


leave me a long aftertaste (love, let me love)

by bread_boy



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26854606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bread_boy/pseuds/bread_boy
Summary: In which Felix wants and Chris hesitates.(They find a common ground, as they always do.)
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 9
Kudos: 168





	leave me a long aftertaste (love, let me love)

**Author's Note:**

> so. funny story. i was in the middle of working on my 2min fic when mitski came on shuffle, specifically "once more to see you" and the rest is pretty much history.
> 
> also, one day i'll grow out of writing bite-sized, non-linear narrative fic but obviously today is not that day. sobs
> 
> ps: yes i changed the title because i am Indecisive and Make Decisions at 4am

Felix sits with his forearms tucked between his legs in the farthest row of the company van, eyes trained on the endless blur of grays and browns and blues until it suddenly breaks off into a clearing. He squints against the crimson red that bursts between the thin branches of the trees lining up the boulevard, the sun perched on the horizon like the egg yolks Felix diligently mixes in his cookie batter.

The comparison makes him crack a smile, and as if saying hello, the late afternoon sun glints off the car window, Felix following the strip of sunlight as it settles on the seat in front of him.

Immediately Felix's entire demeanor ebbs into something softer, something subdued as he stares at the tufts of black hair under the rim of an equally dark cap, a direct contrast to the pale expanse of skin now spotlighted by warm reds and yellows.

Felix's fingers twitch at the sight, and what he does next may be accounted for by the drowsiness in his system or the delirium that always settles in the stifling calm after performing. Or simply because Chris is an arm's length away, and because Felix _wants_ to.

It's nondescript enough, the way he runs his index finger over the nape of Chris' neck, tracing the slanted glow delicately, as if it'll disappear even under the most reverent of touches.

All the same, Chris jolts like he'd been electrocuted, the jerking motion enough to spur Jisung awake. Felix clamps his hand between his knees before anyone can catch on what transpired, and Chris mumbles a quiet apology to the van at large as he rubs right over the spot Felix had touched.

It's a few moments later, after everyone else has trudged back to their own little worlds in the constricted space, does Chris crane his neck, just enough so he can meet Felix's gaze at the corner of his eye.

They're past the boulevard now, the sunlight flickering in and out until it's completely engulfed by the shadows of the tunnel they're passing through.

Here, in the absence of light, Felix avoids Chris' eye and burns with shame.

*

For as long as Felix can remember, he's always been drawn to touch and to being touched.

Even as a child, there is countless evidence of this: videos that play like they were from another time, perhaps another century, showing little Felix jogging towards his mother, asking for a kiss before exploding into laughter. Pictures of him arm-in-arm with his sisters, or his father's hand clasping the firm line of his shoulder after winning his first dance competition, or caught in a playful headlock by one of his cousins during a family reunion.

The same extends to his friends, both at home and in Korea, and through the years he grows to realize that even though his tongue may fumble over the rough, hardened syllables of Hangul, the language of touch is something universal.

He exploits this knowledge just as much as the members indulge him; constantly, at any given time, there is an arm around his shoulder, a hand curled loosely by his waist, pressed on the small of his back. And they find comfort in it too– in Felix's warmth, in the unguarded way he seeks them out, hands outstretched like an eager child.

More than anything, it's a symbiotic relationship born from something harmless, something innocent.

And yet.

"Why?" Felix is anchored in the sea of starched white bed sheets by nothing but his small fists, rings digging into his skin as he twists the fabric further. There is a storm brewing here, in this hotel room that feels one of too many, in a city that's too big and too fleeting as the last one. "Seungmin didn't think it was a big deal, hyung. None of them did."

And it's true– when he'd brought up the topic of possibly swapping rooms with Seungmin, he'd mentioned that it was because he and Chris had been working on a project together. Just a couple of covers Chris had helped him record and polish, he'd said with a shrug, the white lie slipping far too easily past his lips it should probably warrant some introspection.

But it didn't matter, especially if it meant finally being together in the same space like this. If it meant being able to reach out and pull Chris into bed with him, but not before caressing his thumb over the inside of Chris' wrist, slow and deliberate. A trail blaze of want from that single point of contact.

Yet Chris looks at him like he'd eaten something sour, his face pinched and his eyes almost accusing in the harsh fluorescent light.

 _Turn off the light_ , Felix wants to say. Wants to go down on his knees and beg, if he needs to. _Turn off the light and come to bed, Chris. Come to me. Please._

"Felix..." Chris starts, like it's taking all of him to even say his name. Like the shape of it is his cross to bear. "you know we can't..."

"Why?" Felix repeats, unable to hide the hurt this time. Inside him, something charred and mangled stirs; a product of all the nights he'd stayed up overthinking, all the days he'd had to bite down on his tongue when he looks at Chris and sees a different person entirely.

This, too, eases out of him far too easily: "Don't you want me anymore?"

His voice is steady, cold as an ice sheet. Chris stares back at him like he'd been slapped in the face, then like _he'd_ delivered the blow when he realizes just how far Felix has been stretched thin, trailing after him these past few months with nothing but the promise of lingering touches and stolen kisses.

Because Chris has to understand by now, right? Felix exists on the language of touch, and it kills him, everyday, that the one person he wants to imprint all over him, to map out each and every part of him until there's nothing left to uncover, simply wouldn't.

"Of course I do." It's not until Chris hooks a thumb over Felix's chin does he realize he'd hung his head low at some point, and maybe it's the shift in gravity that does it, or maybe it's the brush of Chris' finger on the plush underside of his bottom lip, or maybe it's the way Chris is looking at him, so warm and so tender and so gutted, that has the tears coming, hot and fast and far too many to stop.

Felix doesn't fold into Chris immediately, doesn't allow himself that luxury until it's Chris himself who reels him in, one hand cradling the back of his head while his other arm wraps around Felix's waist. This is his anchor now, and Chris holds him through it, tidal wave after tidal wave.

Later, when Chris guides him through the motions of washing and dressing into something less restricting than a pair of jeans, Felix burrows further into the concave of Chris' shoulders and says, "I still want you."

Chris' hand stills from where he'd been drawing lazy patterns on Felix's back, fingertips catching on the thin material of his shirt.

"I want you too, Lix." Chris whispers in the silence, and he shifts around to blindly press a kiss on Felix's forehead. He sighs, bundles Felix closer until their bodies are one singular shape in the dark. "You don't know how much..."

"Then take me." Felix tilts his face up, nosing his way to press a chaste kiss on the underside of Chris' jaw. _You already have me._

Chris swallows, the wet sound reverberating in the room. There is so much at stake here; even with the security of a locked door and the anonymity of a random hotel in a city of millions, there is still the pressing weight of seven years of waiting and struggling and surviving and waiting– so much waiting.

But then there is also the weight of Felix in his very arms, and suddenly it feels like all that waiting is not for some incorporeal thing, but for this boy with his small hands and freckled cheeks and the way he'd first said Chris' name, voice low and curled at the end like he'd stumbled upon something he didn't even know he'd been missing.

"There's nobody else for me after this, Felix." Chris admits, his voice small like he's ashamed of this confession. "Nobody's ever going to be enough if it's not you."

Gentle hands pry Felix away just enough so Chris can gaze into his eyes, makes sure the recognition burns just as bright as the want there. "Is that okay?"

Felix is already nodding his head even when the question barely sinks in for consideration. To him, there is nothing left to consider, not when he's wanted this from the moment Chris had admitted that the affection Felix held in his heart was reciprocated. That Chris loved him too, in every sense of the word.

"It's okay," Felix manages to choke out as Chris weaves his fingers through his hair, leaning down to press a wet kiss on the bow of his lips. "it's you, so it's okay."

There is no storm this time, but they both sink, lost in each other's depths.

*

Felix berates himself throughout the remaining drive to their next schedule, twisting the rings around his fingers as a form of distraction even when it does nothing to quell the guilt that settles like a physical weight in his chest.

He'd promised to be careful– they _both_ promised after that night, but Felix has never been good with something as fickle as self-control. His eyes flicker to the back of Chris' head, and even now, in the cusp of a breakdown, he wants him still. More than anything.

The van finally comes to a halt after another half hour, the rest of the members stumbling out, grumbling and yawning. Felix is the last to step into the surprisingly humid street, obediently taking off his extra layer when their manager gestures for it.

By now, the sun is merely a faint glow in the distance, but here and there are feeble strips of light that Felix fixates on as they hurry into the building. One, two, three, then the fourth bounces and slants upwards, miles and miles until the sharp yellow glints right in Chris' eye.

Felix blinks, the sight of Chris striped in blinding gold enough to stop him in his tracks. Just beyond them, the rest of the group ventures on, seemingly unaware of their absence. It's comforting, in a way, just as much as it's terrifying.

"You good?"

Chris stands in front of him and asks him this, his head slightly tilted to the side, smiling like they have all the time in the world.

And because they don't, Felix hurries to respond. "Yeah. Yes, of course, hyung."

More than the open affection that blooms on Chris' face for all the world to see (or at least in this tiny intersection in Seoul), what catches Felix off guard is Chris' open palm, held between them like a silent offering.

"Let's go?" Chris probes, so gentle and disarming as he works his way into Felix's heart, melting his anxieties until all that's left is a pit for Felix to sink in.

Felix takes his hand wordlessly, because what else is there to say when you've already given every single part of yourself to someone?

Yet as they walk hand in hand and Chris murmurs, "Is this okay?" with his thumb molding the knobs of his knuckles, Felix realizes it can simply boil down to this:

"Yeah," he smiles, just as dazzling as the setting sun, just as warm as the glow that now resides in Chris' eyes. "it's everything, Chris."

**Author's Note:**

> wow... i can't believe chanlix soulmates chanlix dating chanlix lovers. i love it here
> 
> as always, thank you for reading!
> 
> ps: feel free to follow me on [twt](https://twitter.com/ttubinni); chanlixers get free drinks!!


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